Throughout my life, I have been away from you. Gone like the wind from fleeting moments. Realizing how fleeting they are at the time, I run before depth can be in anyway established. I am distractable for protection's sake. Distraction takes form in my absolutism and the perception of my contradictions is distorted by both myself and others. For the most part, I am just an observer, Both of your life and of my own. My judgemental opinions are fervent but generally kept to myself... well... sometimes.. On superficial matters, regarding the arts my judgement is unending.
Despite this, I also know that the superficiality of our surfaces should never determine the depth of our souls. For they can only be seen in time. I inevitably pass judgements, (I am human after all) however, the line that separates my life from yours is not based on these. I am not attracted to your interests, humor and your accomplishments and dreams, though lets face it, these are in fact, what bring us together and indeed keep us apart. However, at the very bottom of it, it is about heart, it always has been and always will be.
Reading minds is impossible for me, reading hearts, however, is something I have always been fairly adept at. This was always the most important thing growing up. In my house, we judged character first and foremost. My mother is perhaps the best judge of character you will ever meet. She has this ability of being able to read people before they read themselves and can spit out exactly who someone is and in one sentence change a life. She has the kindest heart and with it, she actually does save the world. Currently she is on a Reservation giving free health care to people in poverty. Talk about heart. I only hope someday I can make a fraction of the impact she has made.
Aside from that little tangent (I really do look up to my Mom) my point is this, it is from her that I learned judgement. Who I keep closest to me is completely based on my judgement of heart. Interests, careers, hobbies, etc are what will bring people together, but they are only commodities and are only a small fraction of what keeps us alive. Human relationships are what keep us here. Without them, the world would physically end. People's hearts are what will keep us together in friendship, in relationships, and as a local and global community. Well hearts and of course the acceptance of each other's commodified surfaces. And sacrifice, but that is obvious... I hope. I am fully aware of my idealism. It is rare when someone with headphones blaring ICP will fall for someone with headphones blaring Taylor Swift. A strange example but I guess that's the ugly truth. However, my personal Vie en Rose keeps me introspective and thus content with the moments that come to stay and the moments that come to pass.
Chances are, if we are close, we are actually close, but if we are distant, you have no idea how indeed distant we are. I take pride in the fact that few people know me. It is impossible to maintain many friendships that are all based on absolute compassion and honesty. These are rare, but they are also the most important. Our surface of comodities make up the other 90% of friendships we hold and there is nothing wrong with that.
Superficiality of surface is a river that floods only too often, yet, sometimes it is the driving force behind our hearts and is indeed what keeps one foot walking in front of the other. The commodities we hold dearly, our personalities and interests, and activities, are what keep us alive. I tire easily of philosophical debate, but love it nevertheless. I also tire easily of the word "I" but it may indeed be the most frequently used world in the world. أنا, 窩, je.... especially when it comes out of my own mouth. It is the most frequently used word at least in our own worlds, a world which we all maintain prim and proper. hell I am doing it right now! It is a word more dangerous than you would think. It speaks for us when we both use it and when we don't. This word is Anti-Silence and suggests self circulation.
I apologize...this is mostly just a rant of a sort, one that a small glass of wine no doubt aided in producing, that along with the desire to procrastinate. This is me though, not nearly as raw as it could be but definitely as open as I'll get for you, dear reader ( if indeed there is a reader.)
This year has perhaps been the most interesting year to date. More has changed than ever before in my life and that is saying something. As a person that has gone through a lot but never been quite vocal about things that actually matter, I have realized that my past is who I am and directly shapes every decision I make. I have begun fighting this and feel myself growing away from misguided decisions that were once made on a regular basis. I am not anywhere near the person I was 12 months ago. Nostalgia reminds me of last year's autumn but the thought that I am a completely different person than I was then, gives me hope that I am walking away successfully from what was and moving towards what will be.
I am headed in a direction that will no doubt lead me wherever I end up, and even though that is quite obvious, it is clarity like you wouldn't belief. I will end up at the destination I am headed to. Simple right? not so much, at least not all the time. Life is only lived once, I plan on not wasting it. Fulfillment is what the introspective look for and it does indeed come in the least expected of ways. Temporary regrets aside, at the end when the band-aid is removed, I hope not to have any lasting regrets. We are headed towards where we are walking, therefore, if you are walking towards a cliff, you will eventually walk off. It's common sense.
I have too many dreams for my own good. Separating them from each other is incredibly difficult, dreams of law school, of Baghdad, of burquas, of paintings, of New York Fashion week, of floods to prevent, sunsets to see in deserts, mountains to climb, languages to learn, of pianos, songs to sing, stages to dance on, and asses to kick.
Despite this I mostly have dreams of finding the person that actually understands the complexities that spiderweb through life. These webs leave only luminescent lines visible in the most particular of afternoon suns. Some dreams are not realized, it's just the way it is, we move on and achieve others. If I could choose just one, it would be the fairytale. It's not an uncommon wish, but more often than it seems to be one that is torn away or is screwed up to begin with. Sorry It is.
How rare it is, that we find the person where silence has just as much meaning as words and words are said in purity of spirit and honesty. If you have it, I would advise you to hold on to it. Idealism or not I don't care. I consider myself lucky to retain idealism, therefore, my best guess is that my lack of realism and almost awkward abundance of hope is here to stay, at least for a while. With everything that I will do, and with the steps I take forward I know there will indeed be something waiting for me, I know I'm not walking towards a cliff and sometimes that has to be enough.
It is easier to fall in love without someone, than it is with someone. It should be a joint effort, if not? what is the point. If you are not going to put yourself in a position to be taken, don't take. Romantic relationships or not, Leave them be if you can't share in an equal partnership. In order to learn if you are capable, we are required to look at ourselves in a mirror that reveals more than just complexion. Too often, the mirror is buried and lost by our own deliberate action.
This past weekend has brought up a slew of feeling. Friday night was an interesting night, I saw a dream I once pursued disappear down the runway at Minneapolis fashion week and also realized that I was in the position to gain a really good friend. Someone, who has one of the best hearts I have ever encountered. Upon returning home, I realized that someone I care very much about was in the hospital and my worry just escalated both for them and for their significant other. This simply reinforced the idea, that at the base of it, the relationships we hold are what keep us alive.
Sue is a grandparent of a sort, she is someone I have always viewed as such. I look to her because she has a fire that doesn't die and that is what keeps her relationship both with life in general and with Al, A grandfather of a sort, strong and unwavering. It is not unusual to hear laughter wafting up through the vents along with accordion music, or the quiet humming of a grateful dead tune. They have a relationship that is strengthened every single day and hardship comes with honesty, fear, tears, and love. I guess that is what I want. They are not traditional, Not at all. If you want to know you have to meet them, But my love for them as individuals and as a couple grows as well as my respect and desire to someday have what they do.
I guess that is enough word vomit for now.
All my wishes,
-stitches
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